


The Curse of Love

by invisible_aliens



Series: Carry On Countdown 2018 [2]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: F/M, M/M, Nostalgia, Pre-Canon, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 19:37:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16750318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_aliens/pseuds/invisible_aliens
Summary: Fiona knows Baz is in love, but she doesn't know who with. She reminisces about her own crush on Nicodemus, a relationship that couldn't be.Pre-Carry OnWritten for the Carry On Countdown 2018, Day 2: Nostalgia





	The Curse of Love

**FIONA**

Baz's fallen for someone. I can tell because he acts the same way I did about Nico, avoiding the topic when it comes up but a face full of emotion when you think no one's looking. It's been like this for years, but it's gotten worse recently. 

I don't know who it is. He comes over to visit me most weekends, and we talk about a whole range of weird and varied topics, but he's careful not to talk about the boys at school too much. (And it has to be someone from school. He doesn't talk to anyone else outside the family.) (Although he could have met someone online, I guess. Doesn’t seem like his style, though. Not dramatic enough.) He talks about his friends Dev and Niall, and Simon Snow, of course, but no one else gets anything past a mention. (And he barely considers Dev and Niall his friends, let alone potential dating partners.)

It was different for me. I was embarrassed, sure, but I didn't have a disapproving family in the background. After all, I'm straight. It's hard for me to go against Malcolm, (in fact he doesn't talk to me at all much. I think I remind him too much of Natasha) but I try to quietly support Baz, make sure me knows that it doesn't matter that he's gay, whatever the rest of his family say. (I doubt the Mage provides a very supportive environment either at the school, either, the shit.) One time I offered to take him to a gay bar, but he refused. 

He’s worries it’s another thing Natasha wouldn't approve of. But I remember when Ebb was caught snogging some girl in a storeroom, and the only reason she got in trouble was that she'd skipped class. (He's right that she wouldn't like the vampire thing. I'm not sure she'd have let him live. But I think she'd be proud of him if she saw him now.) 

I asked him who it was, once. “You've fallen for someone, haven't you?” I asked. 

He shrugs and looks away. “Why do you care about that?” 

“I just want you to be happy,” I said. I really did. I still do. 

He scowled. “This is definitely not my way to happiness.”

Usually, if Baz knows something's not going to work, he'll calmly move on. But I could tell this was tearing him apart. (It still is.)

I'm not sure what the problem was. Maybe he'd fallen for a straight bloke. Or maybe he just felt like he'd never have a chance with anyone, because he's a vampire. 

But I don't think that matters. If Nico hadn't been stricken, I wouldn't have cared that he was a vampire. Because that was only a part of who he was. And even though I've made peace with the fact that even though he's still alive, (sort of, anyway) he's completely out of my reach, I still wonder where we would have ended up if he hadn't gotten himself turned. 

  
  


**BAZ**

I think about telling Fiona, sometimes. On a weekend afternoon, maybe, when I’m sitting in her living room and she’s angrily making tea. I’d just spring it on her. 

“It's Snow. Simon Snow. That's who I'm bloody in love with.” 

She'd be surprised, but I don't think she'd mind. (Well, not too much anyway. She’d probably just give me a sigh and say “Snow? Really? It had to be him, did it?”) And there's a part of me that really wants to tell her. To tell someone, anyway. To give me some relief. 

But what good what it do? It's better that this stays confined to my own stupid head. Because telling her would make it more real. 

Make it more real that I'll never have a chance. 

  
  


**FIONA**

I tried to talk Nico out of it.

“Is it really worth it? You'll have to leave everyone. And you can't change your mind. There's no coming back from this.”

I'm not sure how much of me was thinking rationally, and how much of me was just desperate for him not to leave. 

He just gave me one of his smiles, and said, “I'm sure. I've thought about this a lot. And I believe it's worth it.” 

 

I wonder what he thinks now? I know where he hangs out. I could go ask him, talk to him. 

But he's in a world now that I don't belong in. We're not young anymore. We've both changed a lot. (We might not even get along anymore.)

We used to have picnics on the Great Lawn together in the afternoons, just the two of us. Everyone else had afternoon tea in the dining hall, but we used to smuggle snacks out of the kitchen and sit on a picnic blanket on the grass. It was our thing. Most things we did with Ebb as well, but she thought the Great Lawn was boring.

“It’s been tamed,” she said. “Why would I sit on the Lawn when I could go out in the woods?”

So I was left alone with Nico. I’m not sure our picnics were what most people would think of as romantic, as such, but they were ours. Because love is what you make it, not what others decide what it should be for you.

 

I try to tell Baz it doesn't matter. “If you find the right person, they won't care about your condition.”

He snorts, and mumbles, “that's the least of my problems.”

He's probably right. Hell, this love of his isn't even the biggest problem. He's got pressure from all directions, including himself.

I want to help him, but I don't know how. But as he goes through this last year and a bit of school, 

I'll at least be here. If he wants help, or advice, or a place to stay. It's what he deserves. 

I can't be his loving mother. (He wouldn't want me to replace her, anyway, even if I could.) 

But maybe I can be the cool aunt. 


End file.
